Reparenting Your Inner Child
Reparenting your inner child is one of the most compassionate and transformative acts of healing. Whether you're navigating past trauma, emotional neglect, or simply wanting to feel more secure in yourself, the process of reparenting is about becoming the loving, present, and consistent figure your inner child needed. It’s about healing those early wounds, nurturing safety within, and creating a secure internal foundation from which to thrive.
From a trauma-informed perspective, reparenting connects to the principles of attachment theory, which suggests that our early bonds with caregivers shape how we relate to ourselves and others throughout life. The more we learn to embody the qualities of a secure attachment figure for ourselves, the more we begin to heal old wounds and rewire our nervous system for safety and connection.
Attachment Theory: What is Secure Attachment?
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, explains how our early relationships shape our emotional and psychological development. Children who grow up with caregivers who are consistently nurturing, responsive, and present tend to develop secure attachments. This means they feel safe, supported, and able to explore the world with confidence, knowing they can rely on their caregiver.
For many of us, especially those with a history of trauma, our caregivers were not always able to provide that security. They may have been inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or even harmful. As a result, we might develop insecure attachments, which can lead to difficulty trusting ourselves or others, feeling unworthy of love, or constantly seeking external validation.
But here’s the empowering part: even if you didn’t receive secure attachment as a child, you can learn to provide it for yourself now. By becoming your own ideal parent, you can create a sense of security within that heals the wounds of the past.
The Qualities of a Secure, Nurturing Parent:
So, what does a secure attachment figure look like? One helpful framework comes from Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading expert in attachment theory and family therapy. She uses the acronym A.R.E., which stands for Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged—qualities that define a secure attachment figure.
- Accessible: Your ideal parent is emotionally available. They are not distant or distracted; they make time and space to be present with you. This means that when you’re upset or in need, they are there.
- Responsive: A secure parent responds to your needs with care. They listen when you express yourself, validate your feelings, and offer comfort. Instead of dismissing or minimizing your emotions, they respond in ways that help you feel seen and understood.
- Engaged: A secure parent is actively involved in your life. They are curious about your experiences, joys, and struggles. They don’t just offer lip service—they are truly engaged in your world and invested in your well-being.
As you begin your reparenting journey, it’s helpful to get clear on what this ideal parent looks and feels like for you. How do they show up? What do they say? How do they make you feel when you’re in pain or when you’re celebrating? The more specific you can be, the easier it will be to connect with and embody these qualities for yourself.
How to Connect with Your Inner Child or Teen
Once you’ve identified what your ideal parent looks like, the next step is to connect with the part of you that needs this care—your inner child or inner teen. For many of us, our inner child holds the emotional wounds, fears, and unmet needs from our past.
However, if you have a history of trauma, it’s important to self-source safety before doing this work. Connecting with your inner child can bring up difficult emotions, memories, or body sensations, and it’s essential to care for your nervous system throughout the process. Here are a few ways to create a sense of safety before connecting with your inner child:
1. Grounding Exercises: Engage in simple grounding techniques, such as deep breathing, feeling your feet on the floor, or focusing on the sensations in your body. These help anchor you in the present moment.
2. Soothing Practices: Wrap yourself in a blanket, light a candle, or hold a comforting object. These small acts of care can signal to your nervous system that you are safe and supported.
3. Co-regulation: If possible, have someone you trust nearby or on standby. Even knowing someone is available can create a greater sense of emotional safety.
Once you feel grounded, gently invite your inner child or teen to come forward. This might be through visualization, journaling, or simply sitting with the emotions that arise. Ask yourself:
- How old is the part of me that’s feeling scared or alone?
- What do they need in this moment?
- How can I comfort and nurture them?
The Reparenting Process: Meeting Your Inner Child’s Needs
The actual reparenting process involves consistently showing up for your inner child with the qualities of your ideal parent. This is not a one-time fix but an ongoing practice of nurturing the safety and love your younger self never received.
Here’s what reparenting looks like:
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings: When emotions arise—fear, sadness, anger—acknowledge them. Just as a secure parent would, let your inner child know that their feelings are valid and important.
Example: “I see you’re feeling scared right now, and that’s okay. I’m here with you.”
2. Provide Comfort and Reassurance: Offer yourself the comfort that you might not have received as a child. This could be through soothing words, visualizing yourself holding your inner child, or doing something nurturing like taking a bath or going for a walk.
Example: “I’ve got you. You are safe now, and I will take care of you.”
3. Set Loving Boundaries: Sometimes, reparenting means setting boundaries for yourself—whether it’s limiting exposure to stressful situations or giving yourself permission to rest. Just like a caring parent, you learn to create a safe environment.
4. Celebrate Wins: Reparenting is not just about comforting during the hard moments. It’s also about celebrating your joy, successes, and strengths. Be your own cheerleader, acknowledging your progress and growth along the way.
Example: “I’m proud of you for showing up, even when it’s hard. You are so resilient!”
Consistency is Key
Reparenting your inner child is a practice that takes time and consistency. Just like any real relationship, trust is built slowly, through repeated actions of care, love, and attention. Over time, as you continue to show up for your inner child with accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement, you’ll notice a shift. The old wounds start to heal, and a sense of security, love, and trust begins to emerge from within.
You’re not just healing the past—you’re creating a new, secure foundation for the future.
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If reparenting feels overwhelming, you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out for support, whether through therapy, support groups, or somatic practices that can help you regulate your nervous system. This journey is deeply personal, but with the right tools and care, it is also incredibly freeing and transformative.
Written by: Bella Barajas, LMHC
